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problem solved. here is the note of the callback from OpenCV docs:
Callbacks must not make any CUDA API calls. Callbacks must not perform any synchronization that may depend on outstanding device work or other callbacks that are not mandated to run earlier. Callbacks without a mandated order (in independent streams) execute in undefined order and may be serialized.
I had read the note but didn't actually notice that even deleting a cv::cuda::* still causes problems. So the solution is to avoid "touching" any cv::cuda::* in the callback, even deleting or releasing.
